Ten Steps in the Zen of Christmas Shopping

1. Ohhhhmmmm…I am a calm shopper, a happy shopper. If others behave badly, I will refuse to allow them to dim my light. I will, instead, spread my light to them. I will be the very epitome of Christmas cheer. I will smile beatifically. I will radiate patience. I will not become upset or frenzied. I will enjoy the season.
2. Did that guy really just do that in traffic? What a s…OHHHMMM. I am calm. I accept the jerks of the world and only see them as an opportunity to spread my peaceful calm to them.
3. Ohhhhmmm. I welcome the chance to park so far away from the mall! I am healthy and happy, lucky to have the chance to walk this far. I love the exercise! I embrace this bracing wind! No problem that my nose is running and my hair is whipping into what looks like a fright wig! The cooling sleet will mash it down!
4. Ohhhmmmm. I rejoice in the fact that the line was not that little group of people standing by the cash register, but that long line weaving through the barricades like a chute in a slaughterhouse. It will give me a chance to relax and contemplate the joy of the season…as soon as the person behind me stops jabbing me with a coat hanger.
5. Ohhhhmmmmm. I welcome your cart in my path even though you clearly didn’t have the right-of-way in Cart Traffic. If we had been on a real road, I would be on the main thoroughfare and you just ran the stop sign. The Cart Police should pull you over and issue you a rather hefty citation. Why is there no such thing as Cart Police?! No need to say “excuse me” for almost propelling me into the Bacon Bowls display, either. Jerk.
6. O…ouch! Ramming your cart into the backs of my legs won’t make the line move any faster, MADAM, and having an injured body in the aisle with paramedics will likely slow things down…even though you are making it abundantly clear you will roll your cart right over my battered form like a speed bump. Ohhhhhmmmmmm.
7. I warmly embrace the ice on the road as a part of nature. I am communing with the ice! My car is a machine that gently flows with the ice, rather than…OH MY %#*!! Ohhhhmmmm…my shaking hands are calming. Just don’t even think about driving on my bumper right now, Car-Behind-Me! Yes, I know I’m creeping along. You would, too, if you’d just performed an Olympic-quality spin like I just did. Ohhhhhmylordpleasepleasegetmethere.
8. Ohhhh…seriously? Where in the WORLD is it acceptable to hog an entire aisle with your cart like that and then when I politely say, “excuse me,” reply “uh huh” and NOT BUDGE?!! And how am I supposed to respond to that? Wait until you decide you are indeed not legend and don’t live on this earth alone and never have to move over a few inches to share a public space with someone else? Or am I supposed to ram you?
9. Ohhhhmmm…my gosh, are you kidding me? There should really be a separate lane for slow walkers. And why do large families with newly walking babies see the Christmas season as a time to link hands and toddle along the entire path in a crowded shopping area like a slow-moving human barricade? CARRY THE BABY, JERK, AND TAKE IT FOR A STROLL AT HOME!
10. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IT’S OKAY TO STOP AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ESCALATOR?!!! Does it not occur to you that an entire conveyer belt full of people is being propelled into a big frenzied blob of mayhem behind you?! OHHHH…L%#*! it. I’m going home to order online.

When the thief doubled back to try yanking and twisting the purse from my grasp, my arm simply flopped about and contorted like an angry eel, yet I still hung on. Finally, the thief gave up, and the disgusted onlookers recommenced their strolling. One gentleman and his companion sidestepped me like a pile of poo. ‘Her bag must contain something very valuable,’ he said in a tone that revealed he thought the opposite. ~ Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch: Tales from a Bad Neighborhood by Hollis Gillespie