I was recently at a singles’ function, and a man I know was
talking about surgery. He commented that women shouldn’t ever have surgery
because “it scars them.” I just stared at this man, as I frequently find myself
doing, wondering if it’s worthwhile to say what I’m thinking. I always decide
it would be pointless. More and more with some people I find myself thinking
you just have to appreciate the good in them and ignore the idiotic unless it’s
clobbering you over the head, which idiocy is wont to do. This particular man
can be nice in ways, even though he was at this point showing a disturbing lack
of concern for the health, comfort and well-being of slightly over half the
population, because apparently women are purely decorative objects who have no
value if we are marred.
Shortly after this conversation, I learned that I have melanoma, a
highly metastatic cancer which I will be writing about more in the future only
because The Big C has a way of sort of steamrolling all over everything else in
your life. So I apologize in advance. People always ask the size, and this was
so tiny, it’s hard to find something to compare it to. You know in birdseed,
there’s always a ton of that little tan seed that seems to be in there only
for flinging purposes? No animal actually seems to eat it. In fact, as a former
hamster owner, I’ve noticed it’s in hamster food, too, and hamsters fling it with
just as much disgust and hostility as birds do, if distance is an indicator. I
just looked it up: millet. It was roughly the size of a grain of millet.
Mine was thought to be a stage one, which means no radiation
or chemotherapy, but they do remove a chunk of flesh that will leave a sizable
scar. In fact, I just got home from surgery and am simultaneously administering
writing and chocolate therapy. I haven’t seen the actual scar yet, but I think
it’s two or three inches long, though some of that is because of the way they
have to cut a circular incision for stitching purposes—as an ellipsis.
I am such a dork that I actually took a picture of my
pre-surgery legs because suddenly they were more beautiful than they’ve ever
been. Oh, they were never anything to look at really. I’ve never had those
thoroughbred legs that some women have. In fact, they tend to bring to my mind
uncooked poultry, especially chicken wings—you know, the chunky, rounded ends.
But this is just up from my ankle, so there will be no hiding the scar, and this
makes me ache to wear dresses the way I ached to wear a belt in the advanced
stages of pregnancy even though I rarely wear dresses these days because the
shoes are uncomfortable. I nonetheless dressed up my library-paste-colored
legs, biopsy and all, in an old pair of red heels that I can hardly walk in
anymore. I wonder—would picturing other body parts severely scarred improve
those as well? Maybe. Maybe I will employ this technique and become gorgeous.
The truth, of course, is that I’m already plenty scarred as
it is—we all are. That’s life, and living is serious business. It’s not always
pretty; that’s why some of us seek out the arts. Maybe I’m only trying to comfort myself, but I don't think so. Even before the steamroller hit, I've found myself gravitating more and more to people with the most battle scars. I like to think the best part of us is our scars. They show that
we’ve survived.
And I intend to do that.
Alice: From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole I’ve
been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched,
scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not
being Alice, but this is MY dream. I’ll decide where it goes from here.
Dog: If you diverge from the path—
Alice: I make the path!
~2010 Alice in Wonderland
