Hooray for this time of year, when in true holiday fashion I
can take something reasonably healthy, like oat cereal, and corrupt it until it
retains virtually none of its nutritive elements, and like a culinary alchemist,
change it into tasty, cholesterol-and cheese-laden gold. Here are
10 Things I Feel Like After Too Much Holiday Food:
- A humongous, slightly mobile appetizer made of cream
cheese, semi-sweet chocolate morsels, bacon bits, Cheeze Whiz, mayonnaise,
and mini-marshmallows on top
- Gurgling cheese ball
- Chocolate-engorged food
tick
- Over-moussed moose
- Raw, overstuffed poultry
- Ginormous, un-popped
cheesecake zit
- Big glob of extremely
well-marbled, past-its-prime rib
- Giant, bloated gravy
truffle
- Piggy-food-bank
- Baked couch potato loaded
with sour cream, bacon, chives, and Cheeze Whiz
Shouldn’t there be a list of acknowledgments for detractors,
naysayers, underminers? All the people
who did not believe in you. The people
who got in your way or who tried to bring you down. These people deserve to be acknowledged,
too. They should be on lists titled F*** You and Special F*** You and Very
Special F*** You. ~Cynthia Kaplan, Leave the Building Quicikly
Tzmmy--My favorite word--three times--appeared in that quote. Love it.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there are several of those that would be quite accurate descriptions of me right now...
Sad.
So your favorite word is "you," right? Oh wait, it appears four times. I'm f***ing stumped.
DeleteYou described me to a very chubby "T"!
ReplyDeletePat
Critter Alley
You are anything but chubby, Pat. But since this is intended to be about how we feel rather than how we look, I'll allow it. ;)
DeleteLol. I like your take on it. Have a happy new year.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by, Lady Lillith!
DeleteMmm...baked couch potato. I hope that doesn't make me a cannibal.
ReplyDeleteScary thought! But no. That's "you eat what you are," and this is "you are what you eat." Entirely different thing, I'm certain of it.
DeleteOoops. Perhaps it was a Freudian slip on the keyboard that "Tammy" became "Tzmmy."
ReplyDeleteTammy writes shazammy stories.
Tammy makes even ordinary subjects glammy.
(I could go on, but a cold has weakened me.)
Freud might say that you were subconsciously expressing your belief that I fill people with Zs. On the other hand, Jung might say that your finger slipped and hit the key below the "a." Hope you feel better soon!
DeleteWe sat with a skinny woman on New Year's Eve who bragged that she went forma size 14 to a size 4 in four months by eliminating carbs. She eats a hard boiled egg and string cheese for breakfast, a piece of ham midday, veggies at lunch, a piece of peanut butter stuffed celery mid afternoon and a healthy dinner, absolutely no bread, cereal. I wished her and her flat stomach well. Then New Year's Day, I hard boiled eggs, fried a pan of bacon and baked a batch of biscuits and buttered them with real, sweet cream butter. My party's not over until I go back to school...and more snow is predicted :) Then, I'm eating fart food.
ReplyDelete"Fart food." Love it. I heard of another diet: you eliminate food. I heard it works really well and you lose a ton of weight!
ReplyDeleteLove this hilarious take on things, as usual, Tammy. I would add to your response to Sioux's comment that Jung might also say it was a meaningful coincidence that Sioux's finger slipped and hit the key below 'a' -- and that Tammy, or Tzmmy, was meant to see and interpret that!
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, and so does my waistline.
ReplyDeleteMine too, Donna. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteI am speechless with your extremely creative descriptions! I am quite sure you look like none of these things, although yeah... feeling is it another thing, right? I have been in a cooking/baking mode all week - finally tried my hand at quiche (was pretty good!) and last night made chicken & shrimp gumbo - delicious! I think I'll go help myself to some leftovers right now...!
ReplyDeleteImpressive! Especially about the quiche! But was the cheese made in caves by French monks?
ReplyDeleteYes, I feel the same way... especially after I just ate a chocolate bear. Not to mention all the other junk prior, however, I managed to eat some oatmeal. Gotta throw in something good now and then. I'm just now catching up on blogs... stay warm!
ReplyDeleteA chocolate bear? Sounds like chocolate bunnies have taken a ferocious turn to me! Eating oatmeal, though - especially when it's not hiding in cookies like the way I eat it - is positively virtuous. I'm pretty sure it makes up for everything, including extra calories....
ReplyDelete