There’s an Asian buffet near here that I frequent. Not only
is the food reasonably priced and wonderful, I love that you get a fortune
cookie at the end of the meal. What could be better than encouragement
delivered by a cookie? It's win-win! I often meet up with another writer friend there, and
the opening of the cookie has become a sort of ceremonial finale for us. Some
of my fortunes have been so auspicious, I saved them. I don’t know why or what
I will do with them. Maybe I’ll hoard cookie fortunes the way I do quotes.
But recently I took my daughter there, and her cookie said
this:
It was obviously the one meant for me, but I was grateful
that a thin, fit young person got it instead, because I would have taken it
personally. As it was, I was pretty horrified.
Obviously that’s not a fortune. It’s advice. Shaming
advice, really! From a cookie! And the very nature of a cookie is such that it simply isn’t
allowed to give health advice, let alone tell you to exercise. A respectable
cookie tells you to sit around and take it easy, preferably within reach of
more cookies. Because everyone knows cookies never like to be alone.
So I’ve been trying to think of
10 More Inappropriate
Fortune Cookie Fortunes:
- Seriously, who cut that
hair? Edward Rustyhedgeclipperhands? Vidal Bafoon?
- You will go home and
gargle with lots of mouthwash. Please.
- You are not even close to
keeping up with the Kardashians.
- I predict you are about to
eat a cookie. Ha ha! Get it? Seriously, though, do you REALLY think you
ought to be eating cookies?
- I think you have something
in your teeth. Oh, wait—it’s just your teeth.
- Make sure your life and health
insurance are up to date. And hurry.
- Guess what you just ate?!
- You suck.
- Three words: laser hair
removal.
And the ultimate paradox—
- Take my advice: Don’t ever take advice from your food.
What would your unfortunate cookie say?
The search is the
meaning. ~Anne Lamott, Stitches
