Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Unfortunate Cookie

There’s an Asian buffet near here that I frequent. Not only is the food reasonably priced and wonderful, I love that you get a fortune cookie at the end of the meal. What could be better than encouragement delivered by a cookie? It's win-win! I often meet up with another writer friend there, and the opening of the cookie has become a sort of ceremonial finale for us. Some of my fortunes have been so auspicious, I saved them. I don’t know why or what I will do with them. Maybe I’ll hoard cookie fortunes the way I do quotes.

But recently I took my daughter there, and her cookie said this:


It was obviously the one meant for me, but I was grateful that a thin, fit young person got it instead, because I would have taken it personally. As it was, I was pretty horrified.

Obviously that’s not a fortune. It’s advice. Shaming advice, really! From a cookie! And the very nature of a cookie is such that it simply isn’t allowed to give health advice, let alone tell you to exercise. A respectable cookie tells you to sit around and take it easy, preferably within reach of more cookies. Because everyone knows cookies never like to be alone.

So I’ve been trying to think of

10 More Inappropriate Fortune Cookie Fortunes:

  1. Seriously, who cut that hair? Edward Rustyhedgeclipperhands? Vidal Bafoon?
  2. You will go home and gargle with lots of mouthwash. Please.
  3. You are not even close to keeping up with the Kardashians.
  4. I predict you are about to eat a cookie. Ha ha! Get it? Seriously, though, do you REALLY think you ought to be eating cookies?
  5. I think you have something in your teeth. Oh, wait—it’s just your teeth.
  6. Make sure your life and health insurance are up to date. And hurry.
  7. Guess what you just ate?!
  8. You suck.
  9. Three words: laser hair removal.
And the ultimate paradox—
  1. Take my advice: Don’t ever take advice from your food.

What would your unfortunate cookie say?


The search is the meaning. ~Anne Lamott, Stitches






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12 comments:

  1. Yamini MacLeanJune 25, 2015 at 8:49 AM

    Hari OM
    ..."...just one more little wafer...???"

    Seriously though, I'd be complaining to management... YAM xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TammyJune 25, 2015 at 9:27 PM

      Yes! We should have complained and demanded a nicer fortune! I'm afraid my cookies encourage me to eat more even without the little written note. ;)

      Delete
  2. Linda O'ConnellJune 25, 2015 at 9:03 AM

    You are hilarious! I once had my students "read" their own fortune cookies: You will get a real pony. Fun stuff, but not nearly as fun as yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TammyJune 25, 2015 at 9:31 PM

      What a great lesson! I'm sure you had fun with it. I've been sitting here wondering what I would like my fortune cookie to say, and I keep thinking of so much, it might not fit into the cookie. Sigh.

      Delete
  3. ValJune 25, 2015 at 4:09 PM

    Heh, heh! Something in your teeth!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TammyJune 25, 2015 at 9:32 PM

      I think that would actually upset me more than the exercise one, honestly.

      Delete
  4. UnknownJune 25, 2015 at 5:18 PM

    I agree about that fortune, Tammy. I would have been dithering for days had I received it. But Claire will take it in stride :) And isn't that an oxymoron, by the way? Cookies giving exercise advice?? Seriously. Love the Anne Lamott quote, of course.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TammyJune 25, 2015 at 9:34 PM

      Thanks, Theresa! That's exactly what she did, by the way. She laughed, shrugged, and admitted she'd been intending to do just that. Then she started jogging again.

      Delete
  5. Sioux RoslawskiJune 25, 2015 at 6:07 PM

    "Please wear a bra to support those droopy breasts. Oh, you ARE wearing a bra? Sorry."

    Maybe Richard Simmons has gotten a job at the fortune cookie factory?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TammyJune 25, 2015 at 9:37 PM

      All I can think of is how disastrous that one would be if a man got it. Especially one with moobs. I can't type for laughing!

      Delete
  6. Pat WahlerJune 27, 2015 at 8:03 AM

    Tammy, this post made me laugh out loud on a day I really needed it. Thank you!

    Pat
    Critter Alley

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TammyJune 28, 2015 at 4:30 PM

      I'm sorry to hear you needed it, Pat, but thank you for the comment! Sending best for whatever is troubling you.

      Delete

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