Ten Things: The Graduation Speech No One Will Ask Me to Make

This is in honor of my youngest child’s last two days in high school. Woo hoo! But no one ever asks me to deliver a graduation speech. I know—go figure. So here is the speech I find myself wanting to make. These are the ten most important things I wish someone had told me, or things I am working on, or things I learned the hard way. What would YOU add?

1. Some people would have you believe that kindness is synonymous with stupidity, empathy is synonymous with weakness, and honesty and respect are synonymous with naiveté. Don’t buy it. There is no accomplishment in selfishness. It takes a wealth of inner resources to be a giver—and a lack of them to be greedy. In the long run, the people we all remember and respect the most in life aren’t the rich or the beautiful. They are the ones who gave something to others—and not because it glorified them. They gave simply out of love.

2. Remember what Jane Austen said over 200 years ago. Marry a spouse with character. That woman knew human nature. She’s still right.

3. Beauty really is overrated. What’s more, beauty is a lot more common than I always used to think—it’s everywhere. And thank heavens for that. If you don’t see it, change your definition. If you’re concerned about how you look, work to be healthy, happy, and good. Then you will be truly beautiful to other truly beautiful people.

4. When you finish learning, you finish living. Always learn.

5. Laugh at yourself. You’re a cheap source of amusement and you’re always politically correct.

6. Be best to those who love you most. Too many people work to attain the approval of strangers while mistreating their loved ones. Avoid those people at all costs. Be loyal to the people who matter. Including yourself (go Polonius).

7. If that little warning light in the back of your mind goes off, don’t be an idiot. Listen.

8. Beware of people who habitually ask for pity…or those who habitually try to dole it out. Both are manipulators. The people who deserve the most respect tend to be the ones who show it to others. Seek them out and befriend them. If they respect you back, they will always be dear to your heart and your life. And really beware of those who operate on double standards. In fact, beware of inequality. Woodrow Wilson said, “You cannot be friends upon any other terms than upon the terms of equality.” Was he ever right.

9. Crappy things that are completely beyond your control will happen to you. Maybe they already have. It sucks. The good news is that being an adult means you can either change your situation, or failing that, change your response to it. Do one of those, or both, making sure your choices are positive ones that make things better for yourself and others in the long run. Then be thankful for the person you’ve become and for the crappy things that led you there. If you do that, you will make each of life’s gouges into a stroke of the sculptor’s knife, and in the end you’ll be left with a work of art called Wisdom.

10. Two of the most valuable possessions you can own are a good walk and a good laugh. Walk like you own the world and people will think you do. Laugh like you love the world, and people will know you do.

So…walk far and laugh a lot.


In honor of the occasion, I have two quotes, each from one of my all-time favorite authors :

If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down. ~Ray Bradbury

If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind. ~Kurt Vonnegut

Totally Random Tuesday: Life

Sometimes life is a violin and sometimes a fiddle, and sometimes both at once…but it’s all beautiful music.

Totally Random Tuesday: Departures

First of all, thank you so much to Jules for the blog award! Even before the award, Jules recounted on her blog an experience she had that I found so inspirational that it may become a blog post. So I will pass along the award later in the week—and double thank you to Jules!!

Speaking of inspirational…. Your kind and wonderful comments about my last post made me realize that this slow, bittersweet send-off we go through when our children go off to college or move out is really nothing new. When I thought about it, I realized that for mothers, child-rearing IS a very prolonged departure. It’s a series of separations—from body, from breast, from arms, from hands…eventually from home. That’s okay, though. As Pat said, it’s an exchange like almost everything in life. In this case, we lose a little of them, but we get a little of ourselves back again—changed, reworked, molded, reshaped, softened in ways, better defined in others.

In this process of living, I like to think that we are left more nearly…art.

Totally Random Tuesday Again: Truth

Thank you to Sioux and Anonymous for some great comments a couple of weeks ago about my hiker friend. They inspired today’s random thought about people who are good at seeking out truth…and those who aren’t.

I’ve learned that people are too good to allow obvious evil to survive in the open. We are, however, notoriously easy to fool. Evil therefore relies on fools because it needs deception in order to survive. It is by nature a coward and a mimic and a sneak, but it isn’t content simply to slink off into dark alleys and crevices. Instead, evil revels in its favorite form of deception: camouflage. And it doesn’t dress itself as an old crone with warts, either—evil polishes its own façade and loves to drape itself in beauty. It loves cameras and spotlights, grinning with perfect white teeth and grabbing hold with a warm, firm handshake. Worst of all, perhaps—it doesn’t shrink from good, but cloaks itself in it like a chameleon. In fact, it gravitates toward decency, seeks it out, searches for a collar that looks just like all the other collars and a robe that looks just like all the other robes. Evil is at its most dangerous not when it dives in and slaughters an innocent lamb, but when it hides under the fleece so that it can quietly devour the whole flock while everyone scratches their heads and wonders what the hell is going on.

I’m learning that there will always be those who search for truth, those who work hard to cover it up, and those who really don’t care. And the most dangerous of those could very well be the last group. Although the second is the purest evil, it’s the foolish who allow evil to flourish by—perhaps unwittingly—becoming its minions.

Not so Random Tuesday

A couple of weeks ago, a very dear friend was over for lunch when my teenaged daughter backed out of the driveway and hit her car. My daughter was mortified. Certainly she should have looked to see what was behind her, but I know only too well how we’ve come to concentrate on dodging my son’s car which is parked on the driveway while he’s in college.

Fortunately for all of us, my wonderful friend was as sweet as could possibly be throughout the whole thing. And of course I felt awful for everyone. Later my friend commented that it was nice that I wasn’t mad at my daughter. Anger never occurred to me. This is a child who has done blessedly little in life to make me angry with her, and she certainly didn’t mean to do this. I am grateful for her every day of my life. In fact, she’s had so little experience making mistakes that I truly felt horrible seeing the look of shock on her face that captured a harsh reality: sometimes in life, in spite of our best intentions, we make mistakes.

I hugged my daughter and told her something it’s taken me a long time to learn: Don’t waste your energy trying to be perfect or worrying when you’re not. We’re better off spending our energy trying to be good at being imperfect. Simply do the best you can and work to handle your mistakes intelligently and graciously. It’s the best we can do.

If you are willing to serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to yourself, then you will be for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter. ~Saint Theresa of Lysieux

Not Totally Done Tuesday: Paradise

Umm…okay, I know I said I wasn’t going to post these every week. But have you ever started feeling really tired of your hair, so you made the appointment to get it cut, and that seemed to make it start looking better? I guess this is like that.

Anyway. This past week reminded me what my concept of paradise used to be. I used to think it had to involve palm trees. And then I lived with a few palm trees, and I found out that paradise doesn’t automatically come attached.

Over the weekend, I woke up my own paradise. It was a Sunday morning, and the fall weather has begun to settle in, and I was under a down comforter listening to a cool rain outside my open windows. As I age, I find that paradise is less a place and more a state of being. I’m working on moving there permanently.

Totally Tired Tuesday: Randomer Randomness

I’m officially tired of Totally Random Tuesday! Will eventually post more randomness, but not on a weekly basis. But since I need some direction in my wandering little journeys, stay tuned for new stuff!

In the meantime, here’s one more random thought: Lately I’ve been thinking that it’s almost disturbing how entertained I am by the act of writing. I think publishing is like getting a free pass to play. When you’re writing, you can even say to non-writers, “I’m working!” and they will believe you.

Amazing.

Have a great Tuesday. Wishing you…happy randomness. Or random happiness.

Totally Random Tuesday: Life After Death

I think it would be interesting if, when we died, we got back all that we gave to the people who didn’t deserve whatever they'd been given. That would certainly account for heaven for some people...and hell for others.

Totally Random Tuesday: Books

Who is God? I know for sure on some days she is a friend with a pen.

Totally Random Tuesday: Forgiveness

For years I’ve wondered what forgiveness really is. The people in my experience who require the most forgiving seem to think of it as something they are owed, like a “Get Out of Jail Free” card that they automatically collect along with $200 every time they pass Go.

I’m ashamed at how many years it took me to realize that forgiveness is not something that’s handed over automatically, but something that’s earned. And it doesn’t mean giving a chance to repeat the transgression, but giving a chance to demonstrate that it won’t be.

In the end, though, forgiveness simply means moving to a place where the hurtful thing truly no longer hurts and will no longer hurt again, wherever that may be. So forgiveness is something we really only owe ourselves.

Hey—here’s a bonus question. Which Monopoly piece are you and why? I’m usually the shoe, I think because life, to me, is a journey. And I like that little handle. Also because we seem to be missing the car, my former favorite. Did you notice?

Senior Sex(less) and the City: Episode #7

Twinkly
“Twinkly” is a silly, sweet, wonderful man with eyes that light up a room and a soul that lights up the people in the room. He is a big person on the inside, spiritual without being remotely preachy, smart but fun. He gets along with everyone and seems to have an interest in everything. He is respectful of women, chivalrous, and kind. Whenever there’s an awkward situation, Twinkly comes to the rescue. Or if a party is lagging, Twinkly livens it up. When I was stuck next to a braggart, Twinkly came up and whispered, “I haven’t heard you say a word in ages. Is it because you can’t?” And then, eyes twinkling, he asked for my help elsewhere. Twinkly shines. If I were more ready for a relationship, I would want to be more than the friends that we are. But I’m not, and alas, Twinkly deserves someone who is. Still…I’m lucky to call Twinkly my friend.

Next week: Episode #8: Martian Man

Totally Random Tuesday: Put Downs

Carving the people around you into canyons doesn’t make you into a mountain by comparison. It just makes you dirty and low.

Totally Random Tuesday-Children

I didn’t realize how much growing up I had to do until I had children. I was an adult until they were born. Life has so many weird little ironies like that, and child-rearing has to have the most. I had a ton of things I wanted to teach my children, but over and over, they’ve taught me how much I had to learn from them. Then there was all I wanted to give them. Strange that they’ve given me so much more in return.

Totally Random Tuesday-Relationships

I’ve learned that the opposite of wrong isn’t necessarily right when it comes to relationships. I know a woman whose first husband was so wrong for her that she later married his opposite—who turned out to be just another kind of wrong. I know a couple of other people who reasoned that if you create a spoiled child by handing him everything, you must therefore create an unspoiled child by surrounding him with spoiled people and handing him nothing at all, ever. But the opposite of spoiled isn’t unspoiled. It’s usually another disorder, like codependence. I’ve learned that healthy is generally somewhere in the middle where give meets take.

Totally Random Tuesday-Child Rearing

In child rearing, the toughest part hasn’t been all of the things I have to do for my children, but all of the things I have to restrain myself from doing for their sakes. In many situations, my mantra has become let them handle it. Sometimes I have to mentally pinch myself to remember that the wisest words I can offer them when they ask my opinion are, “I don’t know—what do you think?”

Totally Random Tuesday-Magic Words

Asking a friend how they are (in that sincere way that means it and listens for the answer) is like offering magic words, because the question itself is a gift. Whenever someone sincerely asks me that, I want to say, "Thanks to your question, I am cared about."

Totally Random Tuesday-Rose

A rose by any other name will smell as sweet, sure. But if you give a rose a name like, say, “smick,” and you have a celebrity go on TV and say smicks are passé and tacky, and then you sell long stemmed smicks for 5 cents at the discount store, I guarantee you that sophisticated people will sneer at the ones who exclaim, “Yippee, cheap smicks!”

Totally Random Tuesday-Talk

Not only is talk cheap, but insincerity is a theft.

Totally Random Tuesday-Writing

Writing, to me, is cheating. It’s like having a therapist you hope will pay you.

Totally Random Tuesday-Charm

I’ve learned the hard way that Charm has an evil twin…called Manipulation.