Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Improper Poll: The Date with Superfluous Boobs

During my college years, I went out (once) with this guy. In my defense, I later found out a good friend of mine had also gone out with him and had an almost identical experience. In order to carefully protect this friend’s identity, we’ll call her Diborah, (Dib for short). In both our cases, when we’d first met him, he was cute. Slim, twenties. Had on a loose shirt that buttoned down the front.

Then, for the date, he showed up in a knit shirt. The tight one. The one that showed off the fact that he had positively enormous breasts.

“Huge ones!  Huge!"  was Dib’s comment.

Dib, as it turns out, did not even get the full treatment that I did. On my date, the guy also brought a couple of his friends along—the brofriends. The brofriends were presumably there in order to conduct a Cheech-and-Chong-like discussion…of me. In front of me. As if I weren’t there. They said things like, “Dude! This one’s okay, but what about that last one? That Shauna? Dude! She was hot.  But this one’s okay….”

This from a man with breasts that were bigger than mine. And the two men who were on his date with him.

Do you have any memorable first date stories?

Cam: Notice that I have not eaten any of the chocolates.
Mitchell: There were two levels. You know it and I know it.
~Modern Family


  1. I went on one date when I was a teenager...I had met the guy at a party, and he was a nice-looking guy. (Okay, he was alright-looking.) But when he came to pick me up, it was like the episode of Seinfeld. This guy was only decent-looking in certain lighting conditions. Otherwise, he was a troll.

  2. I went on a double date as a favor to a long-time guy friend. He drove us from out here in the sticks to South County Mall to see a movie. I rode in the back seat of a Jeep CJ-5 with a ragtop, next to my date, on a sweltering evening in mid-July. By the time we arrived, we all looked like we'd wet our pants.

    Which was only slightly worse than our first solo date, in which my dude drove me from out here in the sticks to Festus, for pizza and beer. I was 19. A fact which he knew, because throughout the meal, he kept saying, "Do you want another beer? Oh, that's right. You can't have any." He was a bit older than I. My friend's selling point was, "You'll really like him. He's a writer for the Post Dispatch." At least half of that was true.

  3. I've had a number of bizarre dates over the years, most of which I'd just as soon forget. One that comes to mind was with a lady that I eventually dated a number of times called "Nancy."

    There were two weird things that Nancy would do on each date. First of all, when I'd pick her up she'd excuse herself then go into her bathroom (which was across from where she'd seat me) and take a shower. She'd always leave the door halfway open. I never looked through it (I SWEAR I didn't), but I suspect the view would have been more than interesting if I had.

    The second weird thing that she'd do was that at the end of the date she'd always serve "Sleepy Time Tea".

    I always wondered if she'd intended for me to join her in the shower at the start of the date and whether the Sleepy Time Tea was in the hopes of me getting tired and leaving quickly at the end. But I've never really figured it out and she never offered an explanation.

  4. My poor hubby. He's waiting for me to come watch TV with him. "What are you doing?" He shouted up the stairs. "Checking tomorrow's weather," said I. Which was totally true. Except for the part about checking my blog. And there on the sidebar was a new post by YOU. And now here I am. And the love of my life is still waiting.

    Which brings me to . . . the love of my life. First time I saw him was at the university student union. When I talked to my mom later that day I told her I'd met this great guy, but boy, was he ever scruffy. Still, he was cute--in a grubby kind of way--and I agreed to let him drive me to a frat party. When he picked me up I didn't recognize him. At all. He'd shaved off his two-day beard, showered, had a haircut (which isn't saying much for 1979) and had traded his worn-out jeans and old frat jersey for nice slacks and a polo shirt. After a couple seconds of me staring at him, completely befuddled, he smiled and asked if I was ready to go. "Oh my God! It's HIM," I screamed (in my head). Best surprise. Ever. From cute/scruffy to VA-VOOM! in less than 24 hours. LOL We've been married 31 years, so I guess his old reverse bait & switch worked. :)

  5. A friend told me this guy was divorced and my type. Turns out he was divorced (six weeks) and fell instantly in love with me over dinner. Kept staring at me and telling me how beautiful, smart, wonderful I was. Made me gag.

    And the boob guy...he was most likely a heavy pot smoker, or she hadn;t completed the transition yet.

  6. FYI, we call those things Moobs!

    Critter Alley

  7. Sioux, maybe that could be your next book: The Two Faces of Troll.

    Val, I'm so curious to know which one he is!

    Wow, I guess she was really hoping you were a Peeping Tom, huh? Maybe the tea was an attempt to drug and have her way with you, since her creepy come-on wasn't working so well?

    Lisa, that is one of the sweetest stories I've heard and memorable in such a heart-warming way!

    Linda, if that's the worst first date you've ever had, I am very impressed! Also impressive: you are absolutely right about the pot smoking. I cut that part out, but it was clearly "Cheech and Chong's" other duty. I later looked it up, and sure enough, heavy marijuana use does indeed cause gynecomastia.

    Pat, I usually do too, but these were beyond moobs. Manmaries, maybe?

  8. Tammy - Anything can be the case here. Nancy eventually moved away to live in a lumberjack camp - and I don't think it was because she was that much of a tree lover!

  9. LOL and I so needed to laugh like that! I have never dated moobs but I worked for several guys like that. Always made me feel good about not wearing a bra. :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  10. You are too funny. I don't have any weird first date stories, but I have plenty of other ones!


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