The Gargoyle
I had just walked into a single’s dance. At a church, no less. I bet I hadn’t been sitting for two minutes when he swooped in, lurking beside me. “You’re new,” he accused, hunkering down into the chair next to me, uninvited. He was petite and creepily serious. And he fired off a lot of questions, but not the polite kind. Where had I come from? Why was I there at a single’s dance?
He started babbling, and for some reason he blurted out that he used to have dogs, but he didn’t have room for them anymore, so he had to have them all put to sleep. Four of them. He was really upset about it of course! I stared in open-mouthed horror, too many responses warring in my head, and all of them so angry that I finally just turned my back on him. It didn’t keep him from talking, though.
He would dance with me, he said, but he couldn’t. He had filed a worker’s compensation lawsuit for an injury. If he danced, they might take pictures to use against him in court. They send out spies like that.
I’d better watch it, he told me. There were people there who’d take advantage of me. He just wanted to warn me! Some men—not him, of course, because he was just looking out for me—some of those men might pounce right on me. I looked around. My friends were all dancing when I’d come in. He was the only one who even seemed to have noticed my presence. He had a peculiar intensity about him. Why, they might just look at me as another notch on the old belt!
So, why was I there, he demanded again. I tried to look as innocent as a person over 40 can look. Oh, just looking for another notch on the old belt, I shrugged. You know. But not him, of course! I would NEVER take advantage of him, so no worries there! And his injury and all. He was perfectly safe from me for sure!
Then I got up and went to the bathroom because, besides wanting to get away from him, I had to giggle. The look on his face before he retreated into the corners of the room was enough to send me back into the bathroom several times to get the laughter out of my system. Fortunately our table filled up and there was nowhere for him to perch from then on. But I could see him hovering most of the night in the shadows….
Next week: Mr. Name Dropper
What a hoot! I can see you running in to release a giggle. Poor idiot, him!
ReplyDeleteI cannot understand why you didn't throw yourself at him. He sounds like a real charmer. Perhaps if you had gone home with him, he might have---shudder----let you take off his cervical collar.
ReplyDeleteThese could be a collection. I'm serious!
Linda, I didn't even realize till I read your comment what he must've thought when I ran to the bathroom and then stayed in there for ages!
ReplyDeleteAnd Sioux, your cervical collar comment made me want to run to the bathroom again for more emergency spewing of laughter. Ewww!
Tammy, this is too too funny. I'm laughing so much, I have to retreat to the bathroom because I'm over 60.
ReplyDeleteI can just picture him, lurking in the church. Was it an old, old church? Did he come down off one of the towers where the rest of the gargoyles lurk, properly gargoylely, where they belong?
— K
Kay, Alberta, Canada
An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel
I'm glad you managed to get away!! I have a friend who met a guy through a dating service and went out with him ONCE. His profile stated that he was a geologist. When she questioned him about his work, he told her he was a bagger in a grocery store. She asked him why he did that work when he was a geologist. His reply was that he just "loved people."! It's scary out there, and screamingly funny at the same time!!
ReplyDeleteLOL This is hilarious, and I'm with Sioux. Turn these stories into a collection, pronto. You have a best seller here, Tammy.
ReplyDeleteLOL, I did have a mouth full of coffee but it just kept leaking out my nose. :) I'm with Sioux and Lisa, these need to be collection. You know these are what I use to wait for you to post and I still crave them. :)
ReplyDeleteJules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow
Very funny indeed. Love the description of the weirdo. There are plenty of men around like him, they are always completely taken aback when you don't share their own high opinion of themselves.
ReplyDeleteSo I read that Doug Hutchison (that obnoxious little prison guard in The Green Mile) just married a 16 year old girl. He's 51. Talk about a weirdo!!!
ReplyDeleteToo funny. I love your response to it and how you handled it. There are definitely some weird ones out there not me of course I'm just warning you :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the rest - a collection of stories - get on it.
ReplyDelete