Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

There is a Very Fine Tree



I love trees this time of year. As if there weren’t already an ancient part of my soul that worships them in the first place.

My grandmother had a magnificent one that dominated her front yard. It was an alpine wonder: a mountainous blue evergreen straight out of a fairy tale forest with ancient, droopy boughs and an air of wisdom and permanence. I once hazarded a hero’s quest through its prickly bowers with some of the kids from her block, and inside we found a hidden fort carpeted in old needles. That was the first time I realized magic sometimes hides right out in the open. All we have to do is know where to look.

There’s a tree near here—a rare old mimosa that changes drastically in every season and takes up most of a corner lot, but it’s so enormous and exotically shaped that it might as well be a lone tree on an African savanna. I don’t drive by it often, but when I do I always check to make sure it’s still there. Because life just wouldn’t be right without touches of the unexpected like that.

But the one I always think of this time of year was outstanding in more ways than one. It was a towering old sassafras that appeared suddenly after a curve. In fall it would go from being merely majestic to being majestic and red. When I rounded the corner, it would suddenly pop in all its startling cranberry-colored glory. When I slowed my car—as this tree invariably made me do—I could see those vibrant little mitten-leaves waving in the chilly air.

When they tore it down for the new highway, I mourned. That was several years ago, and I still mourn whenever I make that turn.

Do you have a tree you worship?



Mr. Darcy: There was one very fine tree [in Lambton] that I remember.
Mrs. Gardner: On the green! By the smithy!
Mr. Darcy: The very one.

~Pride and Prejudice, 1995 BBC version, adapted by Andrew Davies from the Jane Austen novel of the same name

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Succinctly Yours #186: Small Sports Facts

Thank you to Grandma’s Goulash for hosting Succinctly Yours, the game in which we are challenged to use the picture to kick off a compact story of 140 words or 140 characters or under. The bonus word this week was “karate.”


The witch nixed the idea of a football team in Munchkinland because she distrusted sports. A disgruntled munchkin once tried to give her a karate chop to the knees.  136

Little known fact: three of the original ten dwarves had moved out before the Snow White story. Leapy and Tackly played pro football. Choppy became a karate master.  137



…to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others. ~Nelson Mandela

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Who Says Cats Aren’t Useful

In the past year, I’ve been remembering what it’s like to have cats. I had them before I got married, but my husband repeatedly swore he was far too allergic to have cats and couldn’t ever take the shots. I like almost all animals, but since I’ve never really been a cat person, I married him anyway and lived without cats for many years. (Interesting side note: It sounds as if he has had a miraculous recovery since we divorced and has practically become a male cat lady. Hallelujah!)

Since adopting Catsby, I’ve been re-learning that kitties can be very sweet little companions who can not only run to greet you at the door when you get home (especially when getting home coincides with snack time, and you are, in fact, the resident hair net-less Lunch Lady), but they come in handy in many other ways as well. For example:

Snow cleanup required? Call in kitty snow removal to act as a catuum.


Doilies getting dirty? Armrest slipcovers getting a little worn? Try a furrier solution! 


Tired of the same old coffee table books and décor? Try arranging a caterpiece. Note the ability to double as a paperweight.

Vents too drafty? Stop those annoying breezes with an air catditioner cover!


 Good news! Not Your Mother's Book...On Cats came out yesterday!



I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world. ~Thomas A. Edison


Sunday, October 5, 2014

Succinctly Yours #185: Ten Things That Sort of Stink

Thank you to Grandma’s Goulash for hosting Succinctly Yours, the game in which we are challenged to use the picture to kick off a story of 140 words or 140 characters or under. The bonus word this week was “scent.”

1.     “Spit it out,” the ref said. “You’re getting gum all over the new AstroTurf. And I can tell by the scent it’s you. No one else chews strawberry cupcake.”     125

2.     “Next time, wear a mouth guard,” said the ref. “They even come in colors and scents. In the meantime, put these under your pillow.”     108

3.     “To heck with the game! What do you think? Should I see a doctor for this? I think it looks icky and the scent is weird, too. Smell!”     102

4.     “…So the palm reader told me she caught the scent of true love in my future. And I’m like, ‘No way!’ and she’s like, ‘Yuh huh, WAY!’ So tell me what you think?”     130

5.     “I call him ‘Marconius,’ and his scent is like pancakes!”     51

6.      “The new Avon scent you ordered is in. Pay up.”     40

7.     “Pull my finger (giggle…snort), and get a surprise scent!”     52

8.     “Someone dropped an earring,” the ref said. “I thought the peridot stud was Kaminski’s, but then I thought I caught Tortelli’s signature scent, ‘Happy for Men.’”     138

9.     “That move you just made stinks. Fifty bucks will give it a new scent, if you catch my drift."  75

10.  “Coach’s new incentive program,” the ref said. “You earned a scratch-and-sniff sticker for that play! What scent do you want? Pepperoni pizza or gym locker?”     133


“Dude, if you lived in the ‘hood, you’d be so dead.” ~7th grader who’d just been ratted out for having gum

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Differences Between Cats and Dogs

In honor of Not Your Mother's Book...On Cats coming out next week, here are

Ten Differences Between Cats and Dogs:  

  1. Love
Dog: You exist! And Yay, you feed me! And you exist! I love you so   
much!
Cat: I love you when you pet me, but don’t stop too soon or I’ll be really mad. Also, don’t pet too long or I’ll be really mad.

  1. Tummy rubs
Dog: Yay! I’m in heaven!
Cat:  Touch my stomach, you #@*&!, and you die.

  1. Meals
Dog: Yay! Kibble! NomNomNom…!
Cat:  Excuse me? I ordered the pate you gave me last February. This seems to be more kibble, which I’ll eat this one time, but tell the chef I am heartily displeased.

  1. Snacks
Dog: I’m supposed to get my snack at 8:00 PM. It is now 7:43.
      Pleasepleaseplease can I have it now? How about now? Can I have the     
       snack now?
Cat: I’m supposed to get my snack at 8:00 PM. It is now 7:43.
       Pleasepleaseplease can I have it now? How about now? Can I have the     
       snack now?

  1. Petting 
Dog: Yay! I got a pat as you walked by, and now I’m even happier!
Cat: Don’t you dare just pat me as you walk by. I expect a full-on Swedish massage until I dismiss you, via attack to the hand.

  1. Angst
Dog: Huh?
Cat: I am unhappy about something, or maybe not. But as long as you’re trying to get some work done, I’ll just circle the house making this noise that makes your skin feel like it crawled off your skeleton and hid in a toaster thrown into the bathtub. Because I can keep it up for hours.

  1. Sleeping In
Dog: Go ahead and sleep in! I’m just happy to be near you. We’ll wake up when you’re ready.
Cat: Here, let me insert my litter box-walking-paw into your nostril, because it’s already 4 am, and I want you up. That 5:00 stuff just won’t do.

  1. Writing  
Dog: Oh, yay! When you’re at the computer, I like to lie at your feet!
Cat: Whatcha doin’ at the computer? Huh? Whatcha doin’? Whatcha doin’? Whatcha doin’? Watcha….

  1. Work
Dog: Bye! I’ll miss you and count the seconds until you return!
Cat: You’re leaving me? Okay, if that’s your little game. I think a single poop-ball in the doorway to your bedroom will eloquently convey my feelings on this matter.

  1. The word, “No”
Dog: I’m so sorry! Pleasepleaseplease forgive me! I promise I      
will never, ever do it again!
            Cat: Did you say “no” to me? That will not do. Please turn your back so
I can run up and bite your legs.  


 Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods. ~Christopher Hitchens