Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Differences Between Cats and Dogs

In honor of Not Your Mother's Book...On Cats coming out next week, here are

Ten Differences Between Cats and Dogs:  

  1. Love
Dog: You exist! And Yay, you feed me! And you exist! I love you so   
Cat: I love you when you pet me, but don’t stop too soon or I’ll be really mad. Also, don’t pet too long or I’ll be really mad.

  1. Tummy rubs
Dog: Yay! I’m in heaven!
Cat:  Touch my stomach, you #@*&!, and you die.

  1. Meals
Dog: Yay! Kibble! NomNomNom…!
Cat:  Excuse me? I ordered the pate you gave me last February. This seems to be more kibble, which I’ll eat this one time, but tell the chef I am heartily displeased.

  1. Snacks
Dog: I’m supposed to get my snack at 8:00 PM. It is now 7:43.
      Pleasepleaseplease can I have it now? How about now? Can I have the     
       snack now?
Cat: I’m supposed to get my snack at 8:00 PM. It is now 7:43.
       Pleasepleaseplease can I have it now? How about now? Can I have the     
       snack now?

  1. Petting 
Dog: Yay! I got a pat as you walked by, and now I’m even happier!
Cat: Don’t you dare just pat me as you walk by. I expect a full-on Swedish massage until I dismiss you, via attack to the hand.

  1. Angst
Dog: Huh?
Cat: I am unhappy about something, or maybe not. But as long as you’re trying to get some work done, I’ll just circle the house making this noise that makes your skin feel like it crawled off your skeleton and hid in a toaster thrown into the bathtub. Because I can keep it up for hours.

  1. Sleeping In
Dog: Go ahead and sleep in! I’m just happy to be near you. We’ll wake up when you’re ready.
Cat: Here, let me insert my litter box-walking-paw into your nostril, because it’s already 4 am, and I want you up. That 5:00 stuff just won’t do.

  1. Writing  
Dog: Oh, yay! When you’re at the computer, I like to lie at your feet!
Cat: Whatcha doin’ at the computer? Huh? Whatcha doin’? Whatcha doin’? Whatcha doin’? Watcha….

  1. Work
Dog: Bye! I’ll miss you and count the seconds until you return!
Cat: You’re leaving me? Okay, if that’s your little game. I think a single poop-ball in the doorway to your bedroom will eloquently convey my feelings on this matter.

  1. The word, “No”
Dog: I’m so sorry! Pleasepleaseplease forgive me! I promise I      
will never, ever do it again!
            Cat: Did you say “no” to me? That will not do. Please turn your back so
I can run up and bite your legs.  

 Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods. ~Christopher Hitchens


  1. Retaliation:

    Dogs: Why should I lash out at you? You might have yelled at me, but it's okay. I still love you. Here--I've forgotten already. See? I'm wagging my tail and I want to give you a wet, sloppy dog kiss.

    Cats: You pissed me off so now I am going to piss on your new blouse. And I'm going to snag up some furniture. And I'm going to knock something breakable off the counter. See? Now I'm happy again.

    1. And I thought Catsby was a bit mean!

  2. Reunions:

    Dogs: Oh! Here you are! I thought I'd never see you again! Yum! You taste so good! Kisses, kisses, kisses!

    Cats: Oh. It's you again. Watch out for the tail. I was here first, you know. Build your own steps. I'm not moving.

    1. Our cat really does come running when we get home - we think due to abandonment issues. But instead of smothering us in kisses, he sits down as if to say, "Oh, it's YOU. I thought it was somebody good."

  3. Oh boy did #7 resonate. Our cat is very gentle, but persistent. He sleeps on the foot of our bed soundly all night, and then at 4:00 a.m. his alarm goes off and he alarms me with his declawed front paw to my nose. One difference between our cat and most though, is he will stretch out on his back and beg to have his belly rubbed. He's happy he found a couple of old folks to spoil him.

    1. Aww! I'm sure he's in heaven, Linda. Oddly enough, Catsby rolls onto his back as if he wants his tummy rubbed, too. But it's only a trick or something. We haven't yet figured that one out.

  4. Cats are like two-year olds with four wheel drive. They can go anywhere and do anything that doesn't require thumbs. At least Indy confines his mischief to the floor. Bogey can wreak havoc anywhere he wants.

    Critter Alley

  5. So true and so funny - and congrats!!!!

  6. I love number 6, Angst. So, so true! Congratulations on being in the NYM Cat book, Tammy -- YAY!! Can't wait to read your story :)


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