Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

The Other People of Walmart

I hate shopping at Wally World. Love the prices, but the experience itself reminds me of Hunger Games-Meets-Honey-Boo-Boo. Some WalMartians, I’ve found, appear to regress to their ancestral roots when it comes to obtaining food. It’s famine time, and they are willing to threaten death-by-grocery-cart for anyone who comes between them and that mega bag of off-brand jalapeno corn twists.

I once tried repeatedly dodging a customer who’d gone on an expedition in the frozen food case. The aisle was blocked with those displays they like to add, so every time the woman would lean in, her derriere jutted out and blocked the aisle like a railroad crossing gate. She was performing major calisthenics in there. When she’d stand up, the path was free again. Up down up down. She was so lost in the frozen tundra of Tater Tot Land that she couldn’t hear me say, “excuse me” repeatedly. So at one point when the path was blessedly free, I darted past. Down came the booty and threatened to ram my cart like a Rocky Mountain Billy Goat—truly giving new meaning to the action of butting something.

Recently I had an errand in one of the nicer parts of town, so I stopped at their Wally World on my way home. I couldn’t believe it. Who knew the wealthy hid such treasures from the rest of us? Shoppers stayed to one side so others could pass. No children camped out in the middle of aisles, unattended. People uttered the magic words, “excuse me.” When my yogurt package broke, three people politely informed me. Three. And they were so nice about it! No one scared me even a little. Oh, sure, maybe it was a tad Stepford-like, but if they had said they wanted to make me one of them, I would have been okay with that.

I dubbed it “Weird Wally’s,” and I dream of going back there someday.

Alas, “my” WalMart is much closer, so I got the bright idea to shop late at night when fewer customers are there. Turns out that’s when the aisles are stocked, so instead of being blocked by oblivious shoppers, they are blocked by forests of gigantic carts and stockers who are possibly on work release programs for those who don’t work well with others.

Not only are they more hostile than the usual clientele, those giant gurneys make a grocery cart look like a little red wagon lost at a monster truck rally. In the paper goods aisle, I feared a TP avalanche that might smother me. Worry about the resulting headline—not to mention my obituary—caused me to abandon the paper items on my list. Then I dodged several convicts, a former roller derby queen, a few meth heads and an angry granny trailing Luna Lovegood’s locks behind her.

When I finally emerged alive from that obstacle course, they added insult to injury by making me do self-checkout…for my entire cartload of groceries, produce and all. Have I mentioned before that I send out Carrie-like anti-machinery vibes that break things? Any time I saved by avoiding shoppers was more than wasted with a scanner that told me repeatedly I needed help.

Well, duh. I bet the people at Weird Wally’s are getting free hors d’oeuvres and massages at the end of their shopping trips.


Life is much trippier than first imagined. ~Anne Lamott, Stitches



15 comments:

  1. You should come to the Wally World in MY neighborhood. It's a place I avoid, except for before-school emergencies. At 7 when they open, it can't get too crazy...

    Tater Tot Land. Hilarious.

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  2. I think of Walmart as The Devil's Playground. One time the cart guy drove home his load from outside, sending the other end of the line into my hip. IT HURT LIKE NOT-HEAVEN! It was all I could do to stay on my feet, and I'm a sturdy gal with a low center of gravity. I know he saw me, too, through those dangling clear plastic flaps. I should have dropped to the ground and started screaming, and maybe hitched my wagon to some free Great Value products for life.

    What's this about Walmart opening at 7:00? Ours is open 24/7. At least they did away with the self-checkout. My son Genius used to beg to go through them, and we always needed a human to come clear something. If Genius can't make an electronic gewgaw work, it's seriously flawed. I think The Devil was losing too much money on the self-servers, so he took them out.

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    1. I agree - you should have gone for the Great Value products as payment for your hip.

      That devil theory makes sense. At night, the nepotistic thing hires his spawn.

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  3. Tammy--Sorry to hijack your blog for a moment, but I must reply to Val's comment.

    Val--In my neighborhood, the Devil sleeps at night. Apparently there IS rest for the wicked...

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    1. I was going to ask the same thing. I thought they were always open 24/7.

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  4. Oh my gosh you completely captured it. Luna Lovegood's locks. I know! The big butted train stopper. Oh I can't stop laughing. This is great. I went to the Wal-Mart across the river and couldn't believe how upscale it felt. I think it was less the product qnd more the clientele.

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    1. Yep. I wonder if we went to the same Weird Wally's?

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  5. You nailed it, Tammy. I avoid going to Weird Wally's around here, especially on weekends or at night.
    Last Thanksgiving I made the mistake of going with my grandkiddos to get ONE THING that was drastically reduced but didn't go on sale until a certain time. It was bedlam. The aisles were jammed and no one was smiling. I won't make that mistake again.

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    1. You are incredibly brave if in my book if you went there even close to Black Friday!

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  6. Shopping at Walmart is always an adventure, isn't it? Sometimes I simply can't handle the excitement and just pay a little more at Target instead.

    Pat
    Critter Alley

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    1. Good point. What bothers me, though, is that Target has recently begun mimicking Walmart in some ways. Someone needs to tell them that it is not an improvement.

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  7. Sorry I'm so late to find this (was at conference last week), but I'm glad I read it, even if I'm late to the party. This is a hoot! I avoid Wally World like they're selling the plague, but sometimes a trip is necessary. I NEVER go after midnight. My husband, who used to work nights, warned me, but I ventured out once and never did it again. lol

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    1. Smart advice. Glad to read on your blog that you enjoyed the conference!

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