Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Improper Poll: Ten Alternate Signs for Discouraging Salespeople

1. I ♥ My Rottweiler…and My Rottweiler ♥s Attacking Door-to-Door Salespeople.
2. Welcome to the center for the communicable diseases halfway house. If latex glove and mask receptacles are missing, please ring doorbell and step back ten paces. We suggest you wash your hands real well as soon as you can, too.
3. Welcome salespeople! Please ring doorbell so I can tell you all about my religion! Two hour time frames are required, so please bring your own beverage and a light snack. Doors lock from the outside.
4. Smile—you’re on hidden camera. Okay, now dance a little. Swing your hips more. That’s nice. And can you unbutton your shirt just a few buttons? Good….
5. Dear salespeople, please come right in and leave your literature and tools in the pile with all the other ones. Come and find ♪ me in the root ♫ cellar!
6. Dear salespeople, please deposit pants in the receptacle on your left, enter, turn to your right, and state your name clearly into the microphone.
7. This home is guarded by head lice.  Slide the medication under the door and back away.
8. Please be advised that the ringer of this doorbell or pounder on this door, hereafter referred to as “Guest,” hereby agrees to pay Door Access Fee of $100 (one hundred and no/100 dollars) before obtaining ingress to this residence. (a.) The following actions shall be collectively considered as attempts to gain entrance, including and without limitation: ringing doorbell or touching doorbell in such a way as to create audible noise; knocking; pounding; scratching; thumping; tapping, and/or kicking with any body part and/or object or creating any sound with the express purpose of obtaining attention of doorbell owner, hereafter referred to as “Queen Spiffy.” Deposit cash (correct change only) under door before ringing. Personal checks or debit cards not accepted, but expensive gifts will be considered. Standing on doorstep reading this sign will be considered the legal equivalent of binding agreement. If Guest is unable or unwilling to remit heretofore stated door fees, wages will automatically be garnisheed and fines of not less than $5000 (five thousand dollars) will be imposed. Queen Spiffy might not answer as per Doorbell Act (D.A.) 78-39550.   
9. This home is Clowns Only. Please don either the “Nerdoux” or “Mr. Puffypants” costumes (located in shrubbery bin) before ringing bell. Note that all parts are required, including noses, hats, wigs, and blinking suspenders. You must have Queen Spiffy’s prior written approval should you wish to bring your own costume.
10. Our house is protected by the Good Lord and a gun. Also a bent nine iron, a virulent case of scabies, some roman candles, some pretty smelly garbage, a potato shooter, a rather amorous, ankle-humping Chihuahua with a bad case of fleas, some especially icky spit wads, a guy wearing camouflage and goggles nicknamed “Bean Dip,” an awesome homemade slingshot made with those really big rubber bands like the kind that come on broccoli, and some expired eggs that’s mighty good for throwin’.

Do you have any suggestions for new signage that might discourage door-to-door salespeople?


  1. How about:

    11. Welcome to Cougar Country. If you're under 45 years of age and male, open the door and step on in. Past the first hallway you'll find the Queen Cougar--193 pounds of cellulite, breasts that drag the ground, pesky chin hairs, a poochy belly where occasional sandwiches can be stored within the rolls, and varicose veins.

    Tammy--Please tell me you pulled these off the internet. If you tell me you wrote all 10, I will have to stab you--repeatedly--with a sharp pencil on Wednesday. They are TOO funny.

  2. Love it, Sioux! That would scare them right off. I was going to joke that I could flirt with them, but a lot of them use flirtation to try to keep that door open.

    I did google "door signs" and found out there really is one that says, "Our House is Protected by the Good Lord and a Gun."

  3. Well then, I guess you should wear your flak (spelling?) jacket on Wednesday--something to protect your flesh from sharp pencil points.

    More material from Tammy's 3, I guess.

  4. Number 3 is inspired! I think it may actually work!

  5. These are a hoot. How about: "You must be responding to my ad for a kidney donor. Please go around to the basement door and my assistant, Igor, will bring you in for medical testing."

  6. This house is patrolled by a hungry 17-year-old who just woke up. Knock at your own risk.

  7. Good one, Lisa! And so glad you're back!

    Oh, Val. That's pretty mean.

  8. I saw one once that went something to the effect of:

    My Rottweiler can make it to the driveway in 2 seconds. Can you?

    Critter Alley

  9. 11. "Please don't ring the doorbell. It makes me hear voices. You won't like what the voices make me do."

  10. Pat, I so want one of those!

    Good one, Tom!

  11. These are too funny. How about one that reads: My dog doesn't bite, but I do and sign it (in red) Daracula.

  12. Tammy, this is so funny! I am surprised that they still do come around. The guys with the cleaner at dark always get a huge NO!!! from me.

    I always let the Mormon boys in and give them ice water, but nobody else gets past our door.

    Kathy M.

  13. Thanks, Lynn!

    Very clever, Donna!

    I'm with you, Kathy. And I encourage Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts, though they always respect the sign!


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