Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Improper Poll: Television Tribulations

For some time now, I’ve been forced to deal with television providers who seem to have decided that the way to deal with the bad economy is to trick money out of their customers.

I dealt with a company I’ll call Charmer Noncommunications, who not only boosted its prices every year while their packages shrank, but they overcharged my bill for eight—yes, EIGHT—months in a row. Every month they’d give me a convoluted excuse for why my bill was wrong—which essentially meant,“your bill is wrong this month because it was wrong last month.” One young customer service rep even sighed that…tsk…DUH!…if I’d just pay the wrong bill, I would straighten it all out!

Now I have one I’ll call Dish It Out Netword. Last night I saw a commercial where Dish It Out Netword was making fun of Charmer Noncommunications. Are you kidding me? They taught them everything they know. Because even though Dish It Out's salesman told me they “haven’t had a price increase” in just ages, my price went up after a year. Now they tell me what the salesman neglected to mention: It was a one-year deal only. So they’re not raising their prices! They’ll give me a new package! According to this salesman, the new package includes taking away CNN, A&E, and ABC Family (etc.) and replacing them with Hunting Channel, Country and Western Channel, and Gospel Channel.*

Nothing against folks who’d like those channels, but this caused me to try to think of

TEN CHANNELS I WOULD WATCH EVEN LESS THAN THE ONES DISH IT OUT NETWORD IS OFFERING ME (I have to say this was hard, because, although I’m not a big TV watcher, I will watch almost anything):

1. Animal Abuse Planet
2. Colicky Baby Wars: The Loudest Screamer
3. Hell’s Bathroom
4. Ice Loves Cocoa Krispies Way Too Much
5. Stuart Loves His Goat, Ester (Okay, I would watch this once but wouldn't admit it)
6. Grooming for Old Folks TV
7. Say Yes to the Pajama Jeans (This one’s for my critique group)
8. Shopping for Dickeys (Ditto)
9. Taxidermy TV
10. Nothing But Boils

What channels would you refuse to watch?

*Post note:  I contacted the BBB, and within two business days, Dish It Out Netword remedied the situation by giving me my agreed-upon package back.  Hooray for the Better Business Bureau!


  1. "Nothing But Boils!" I am rolling in the floor laughing!

  2. Hmm...Hell's Bathroom intrigues me.

    Here are some shows that I would not watch:

    1. River des Peres Shore
    2. Pre-Teen Mom
    3. The Biggest Pooter
    4. Desperate Houseflies
    5. Chopped Chef
    6. The Apprentice Hoarders
    7. Friday Night Mites
    8. 30 Rocks
    9. Under-the Weather Boss

    And one that I might:

    1. Snark Tank

  3. 11. The "All Rush All The Time" Rush Limbaugh Channel.

    12. "Upside-Down Movie Reviews" done in gravity boots.

    13. The "Sex Toy Outlet Channel." Well, okay, I MIGHT watch it - but only to see why other people are watching it.

    14. The "Tax Court Channel".

    15. The "Gas Prices Channel". Just shows gas prices everywhere, one location at a time.

    16. The "Self-Mutilation Channel."

    17. The "Customer Service Channel." Looks at customer service issues that come up in various companies and how they don't solve them.

    18. The "Ant Farm Channel."

    19. The "I Hate School Channel." Plays videos of Middle School students ranting about why they hate going to school.

    20. The "Tantrum Channel". Videos of 3-4 year olds laying on their backs on the floors of stores screaming for toys.

    21. The "Movie Intermission Channel." Videos that came from intermissions at old drive-in theaters.

    22. The "Apocalypse Channel." Helps you to prepare for the coming Apocalypse - whichever one you may happen to believe in.

    23. The "Tea Party Tea Time Channel." Shows a bunch of Tea Partiers having tea and ranting about what's wrong with the government.

    24. The "Funeral Parlor Beauty Channel."

    25. The "Blackmail Channel." I stole this idea from Monty Python. Various blackmail videos are shown for public figures with a dollar clock that's counting up on the bottom. To stop the clock they have to call in and pay the dollar amount.

    Okay. This is in the wrong list. I WOULD watch that one.

    26. The "People Speaking Arabic Channel".

    27. The "Surgeons' Bloopers Channel."

    28. The "Medical Cover-Up Channel."

    29. The "Spiderman Channel."

    30. The "Gay Person Coming Out Channel."

    31. The "Travel Somalia Channel."

    ...and last but not least...

    32. The "Crash Test Dummies Channel."

  4. Umm, I usually watch stuff we've recorded and never know what season it is. I don't watch reality shows - life's real enough;-)
    I think Taxidermy TV looks intriguing . . .

  5. And how about the sequel to #10 "Pus for Us" or the new show "American Pickers" which is about nose pickers?

  6. Good grief, don't you hate when sales people do that - act like they're giving you a deal when they're not. Why can't they just be honest?

  7. Lynn, I'm with you. And I am also literally in pain from laughing so hard. Will be giggling for the rest of the evening--though some of those I would watch. <:o}

  8. This is embarrassing, but I watch so little TV that I don't even know how to turn the darn thing on. Last time I tried I pushed so many wrong buttons on the remote that I messed up the whole satellite thingy. I had to call my hubby in to reprogram it. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not. LOL My hubby DVRs the shows we like and we watch them in a bunch on the weekend. Shows I would never watch? Hmmm...now you're making me think!

    1. Nose Ring Wars
    2. Nutrition with Mary Kate & Ashley
    3. Mom Makeovers with Lady GaGa
    4. M*A*S*H Potatoes
    5. Criminal Minds Behinds (yeah, okay, I'm lying. I'd totally watch that one. But have you seen Shemar Moore?)

  9. Oh, c'mon now. "Mom Makeovers with Lady GaGa"? Who WOULDN'T watch that? (chuckle)

  10. I don't watch:

    Lady Hoggers
    The Kardashians
    The Real Housewives of ANYWHERE
    Lizard Lick Towing
    1,000 Ways to Die
    Dance Moms
    Storage Wars
    Joan and Melissa
    Hoarders (I have my own pigsty here--Why would I want to see someone else'?)

    I could go on, but I'm getting a little queasy just thinking about this TRASH that people actually watch!!!

    We have DirectTV. They love us because we pay our bills on time, and we don't complain.

  11. I needed a laugh but I see you have run into the same folks I have for the past 2 years. :)

    Not that I watch it but I'm really enjoying those Prepper people on National Geographic. It's a show good for a laugh. :)
    Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  12. Tammy, you crack me up, but so do these other comments! What a great post. We have cable because I can figure out the remotes and it offers the only high speed internet around here.

    Those strange addiction shows really give me the creeps.

    Have a great weekend,

    Kathy M.


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