Succinctly Yours Week 223: Skunked

It’s time again for Succinctly Yours, a weekly meme made possible by the lovely Grandma of Grandma’s Goulash. Each week, Grandma posts a photo with the challenge to come up with a story of 140 words or 140 characters or fewer to go with it. The bonus word this week was “gargle.” Ouch, Grandma! My second offering is the true story, written in 140 words, that inspired the first offering, written in 140 characters. Phew. Or is that, pew?                                                                                                                         

Gladys planned to steep a dead skunk in the wading pool so she could gargle before meeting the handsome new dog next door. She wanted to be at her best; that Dane was great.  140

She was Buddy’s best girlfriend ever, a blonde shepherd mix named Amiga who appeared from time to time in our yard sporting a new bandana that signaled a recent bath. She was a big gal who could handle his obnoxiousness and keep him in line. When she needed to rid herself of that spring-fresh smell, she knew he could be counted on to dispatch the insult toute de suite. The two of them made a great pair, leaping and snuffling and gargling in each other’s slobber. Then she’d go prancing back home, bandana torn and covered in dog spit.

Once she got skunked along the way and was thoughtful enough to return the favor. It was a skunking-by-proxy. After two baths, I had to resort to V8 because I didn’t have tomato juice.

It had been love at first sniff.   140

True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice. ~Ben Jonson

Unfortunate Cookie

There’s an Asian buffet near here that I frequent. Not only is the food reasonably priced and wonderful, I love that you get a fortune cookie at the end of the meal. What could be better than encouragement delivered by a cookie? It's win-win! I often meet up with another writer friend there, and the opening of the cookie has become a sort of ceremonial finale for us. Some of my fortunes have been so auspicious, I saved them. I don’t know why or what I will do with them. Maybe I’ll hoard cookie fortunes the way I do quotes.

But recently I took my daughter there, and her cookie said this:

It was obviously the one meant for me, but I was grateful that a thin, fit young person got it instead, because I would have taken it personally. As it was, I was pretty horrified.

Obviously that’s not a fortune. It’s advice. Shaming advice, really! From a cookie! And the very nature of a cookie is such that it simply isn’t allowed to give health advice, let alone tell you to exercise. A respectable cookie tells you to sit around and take it easy, preferably within reach of more cookies. Because everyone knows cookies never like to be alone.

So I’ve been trying to think of

10 More Inappropriate Fortune Cookie Fortunes:

1. Seriously, who cut that hair? Edward Rustyhedgeclipperhands? Vidal Bafoon?
2. You will go home and gargle with lots of mouthwash. Please.
3. You are not even close to keeping up with the Kardashians.
4. I predict you are about to eat a cookie. Ha ha! Get it? Seriously, though, do you REALLY think you ought to be eating cookies?
5. I think you have something in your teeth. Oh, wait—it’s just your teeth.
6. Make sure your life and health insurance are up to date. And hurry.
7. Guess what you just ate?!
8. You suck.
9. Three words: laser hair removal.

And the ultimate paradox—

10. Take my advice: Don’t ever take advice from your food.

What would your unfortunate cookie say?

The search is the meaning. ~Anne Lamott, Stitches

Succinctly Yours Week 222: Hope Floats But Bikes Are a Drag

It’s time again for Succinctly Yours, a weekly meme made possible by the illustrious Grandma of Grandma’s Goulash. Grandma posts a photo each Sunday with the challenge to come up with a story of 140 words or 140 characters or fewer to go with it. The bonus word this week was “quantify.” I struggled with that word and confess that I may not have used it properly.

It was hard to quantify the boys’ stupidity. Ma told them to buy a boat for the fishing business, but their idea to switch modes of transportation didn’t hold water.  136

Gilbert thought water cycling would be a good idea. While his calculations allowed for the amount of water in a lake, he forgot to quantify the amount of mud.  129

It was impossible to quantify the boys’ love of James Bond. Unlike Bond’s vehicle, however, theirs did not become a submarine when it hit the lake, they discovered.   137

The bike thieves failed to quantify the Girl Scout’s moxie. That tough cookie had installed on-vehicle security that enabled remote navigation…into the lake.  135

We look out for ourselves and too often make the mistake of confusing reality with our limited perception of it.  ~Hal Urban

Succinctly Yours Week 221: To Climb or Not to Cl…Nope. There is No Question

Hooray for Succinctly Yours, a weekly meme set up by Grandma of Grandma’s Goulash. Grandma posts a photo each Sunday for us to cultivate a story of 140 words or 140 characters or fewer to go with it. The bonus word this week was “jumble.” Try it! You might find, as I did, that it grows on you.

Small tree, or a huge nest? Smedley’s mind was a jumble of possibilities.   61

Juniperus communis, or chinensis? Smedley’s mind was all in a jumble. Because everyone knows communis makes a better cat box.  104

Smedley, like Edward Scissorhands, was a real topiary aficionado. His creations were merely a little more…jumbled.   99

Nothing endures, not a tree, not love, not even a death by violence. ~A Separate Peace by John Knowles

Succinctly Yours Week 220: Shop Till It Flops

It’s time again for Succinctly Yours, a weekly meme sent forth by Grandma of Grandma’s Goulash. Each week, Grandma posts a photo for us to come up with a story of 140 words or 140 characters or fewer to go with it. The bonus word this week was “accentuate.”

The artist said her preferred subjects were baskets and beach themes, but the unexpected picture only served to accentuate her eccentricity.   120

This parable, which may accentuate my peculiarity, grows on me: There is no bridge over troubled waters, but there is a grocery cart in the sands of time.    127

Some foodies accentuate their fanaticism by taking the idea of fresh seafood just a little too far.    83

I worried about making light of this week’s picture because it looks to me like it was taken in the aftermath of a hurricane. Please know this week’s meme goes out along with my absolute best to any hurricane victims!

When a lot of things start going wrong all at once, it is to protect something big and lovely that is trying to get itself born—and that this something needs for you to be distracted so that it can be born as perfectly as possible. ~Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies