♩ Christmastime is here again! ♫
No, it isn’t, actually. The only thing that’s here in this
mall is these stupid carols that annoy the crap out of me and a bunch of
decorations.
♫ The weather outside
is frightful! ♪
Again, no it isn’t. It’s really pretty balmy.
♫ 'Tis the Christmas season! ♬
See, but it
isn’t, and that’s just the point. It’s really more post-Halloween. Christmas used to arrive with fanfare—Santa used to land on the roof of The Cool Mall in a helicopter to long lines of eagerly anticipating children. Now he must sneak in sometime around October, because every time I try to pick up a few things at the mall since then,
they’ve assaulted my senses with Christmas carols and decorations that
shouldn’t have been put up for another month. The mall and television keep
trying to convince me that it’s the Christmas season, but saying it doesn’t
make it so. Halloween just got over, and all this Christmas junk is eclipsing
the Thanksgiving season and ruining it for me.
I have decorations, even, Thanksgiving ones, and all but one
were gifts at some point, which makes them that much more special to me. The
year my mother-in-law inexplicably gifted me with a giant, accordion-type crepe paper turkey that ushered in Thanksgiving on enormous cardboard wings, I
decided to embrace seasonal décor—the tackier, the better. I added my own Avon
turkey basket in the 80s that really isn’t designed to hold anything because
it’s too small for fruit, too basket-y for candy, and not tall enough for
anything useful, like serving utensils. The cardboard turkey has long since
flown the coop on lame and crumpled wings, but I still have the basket, which
is currently trying to hold TV remote controls even though the weight causes it
to topple over.
It’s joined by tapers designed to look like a pioneer
couple. Never mind that their heads have melted off so that Papa Pioneer drips wax remnants of his hat like so much dried blood down his decapitated body. I
admire the determined way their little arms still clutch that harvest bounty to
their headless bodies. They are Halloween and Thanksgiving at once, festive in
their own macabre way, and I hate that the malls are trying to deprive me of
enjoying them along with my stuffed pumpkins and leaf dishes and maple-scented
candles.
♪ Home for the
holidays…. ♬
This carol I
agree with, fleeing the mall and racing home to be with my turkey handprints
and not-so-tasteful gourd arrangements. Bah, humbug.
Oh sweet mercy! A
lime green hatchback! It’s a thing of beauty! ~Cars.com commercial
Tammy--Did I read "The Rocky Road of Parenthood" or is that one you slipped by the WWWPs? Congratulations. And I will shout from the rooftops about how hil. ar. i. ous your "family" story is ("A Certain Air About Her"). It's one of those tales where you have to insert a panty liner in your undies before beginning.
ReplyDeleteAs usual, you take the ordinary and make it quirky and funny.
Sioux, I believe that was one I made a lot of changes to thanks to the WWWPs. Thank you for your comments...not to mention your editing eyes!
DeleteWe just returned from Walmart and a little boy about five looked at all the Christmas stuff and asked his mom if it was already Christmas. She said not for another month and he shouted everyone's sentiment, "Then how about let's do turkeys first? We just got done with pumpkins." Adults laughed. The kid's right. And you are funny.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Linda, and smart kid!
DeleteOh yes, Christmas comes too soon - or at least it is heralded too early. Where's the magic, the real meaning? It's all so commercial. Bah, humbug, indeed . . .
ReplyDeleteYes! Let's rewrite A Christmas Carol so that we're all horrified when the greedy merchant tries to force everyone to buy more by bombarding them with the Ghost of Christmas Always. In the end, Tiny Tim throws off his crutches and runs from the mall. Bah humbug from me, too.
DeleteI hope this doesn't turn you into an anti-Santa-ite, just because he arrives ahead of schedule. That turkey is sad, but I was hoping to see the American Gothic tapers.
ReplyDeleteI am considering becoming an anti-Santa-ite, Val, but only for the jokes. I judged the tapers to be too gruesome for a PG 13 blog. Sorry to disappoint your waxlust.
DeleteCommercially, Christmas comes earlier every year. There were some mall stores that had Christmas trees up at the end of September. *sigh* I love your description of your candles. Cracked me up. I'll think of that this year when I light my boring white tapers.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, Lisa, and I actually wrote this post several weeks ago and then forgot about it. My former-sister-in-law-turned-sister sent the tapers to us, and I sure wish I knew where to get more. Till then, I imagine I will someday bring out a waxen puddle of pilgrim-feet for Thanksgiving.
DeleteReally need a picture of those candles, my friend! I happen to like your Halloween-Thanksgiving decor and wish right along with you that they'd hold off a bit longer. Don't they know they can make an entire holiday - and sell more crap - out of Thanksgiving, too? They're the ones missing out. You just keep on, with your tapers and cardboard wings. The oldies station is already playing christmas tunes, so not only have they pulled the turkey off the table, but the good time rock 'n roll, too!
ReplyDeleteSee, that's my point. That we need the Thanksgiving crap down our throats first! And that premature Christmas music is just too much. I'd take the muzak version of "Jumpin' Jack Flash" any day.
DeleteCouldn't agree more... bah humbug until it's time! You're way too funny.
ReplyDeleteLynn, you're one of those people who could somehow incorporate both and do it gracefully, but thank you for the sentiments all the same!
Delete