It’s Elementary My Dear…Lord Get Me Out of Here

Let me just say for comparison that I have taught some of the toughest of the tough kids. I once had a student who was charged as an adult for rape, for example. I’ve had death threats and more than a few drug dealers. But today was the worst. Today I was asked to do something I’ve never before done in my life. I was asked not only to teach elementary school, but to teach…kindergarten.

The horror.

I did it because I’ve lately been on a kick where I’ve tried to experience more new things. Just as a growing experience. And I did grow. I grew a little crazy and a lot exhausted. I had actually thought it would be sort of fun. Fun!

I now have renewed respect for elementary teachers. I knew the job was hard, but these miniature human beings ate me alive. When they finally left the room and went to gym, I sat numbly and watched the clock move to the time they’d have to come back, secretly thinking about ways to barricade the door, and then I realized I had to go fetch them because they can’t even walk to class without waddling in line where the teacher has cute little games and hand gestures to show How We Use Our Hallway-Walking Manners. I would have considered running away, but I was way too tired. So instead, I thought of

Ten Things A Class of Kindergarteners Is Like

1. Trying to herd 25 five puppies, fresh from their naps, in a straight line.
2. Juggling fruit flies
3. Ordering earthworms to get out from under the painting table and sit up in their chairs
4. Sitting in a room full of tiny monkeys that have to use the restroom every 15 minutes, and all at different times, but especially as soon as you have walked the class full of monkeys back from the restroom
5. Inviting fifty pigeons to take a bath in the drinking fountain
6. Twenty-five meerkats jacked up on espresso, with one freakishly wild, tow-headed meerkat named Carlton who absolutely never does what he’s supposed to be doing
7. Twenty-four meerkats jacked up on espresso who feel compelled to tattle on Carlton at all times
8. Hundreds of squirrels with unzipped zippers and tiny furniture
9. A herd of teeny weeny wildebeests in a china shop with red flags everywhere, and Carlton wildebeest is crying because he lost the Pokemon cards you told him five times to put away in his book bag
10. Trying to put Mexican jumping beans (only with lots more continuously flailing limbs) and with tiny bladders and untied strings hanging off of them all over the place who smell like bodily functions, on the correct bus—which is usually Bus Slot Five on alternate Tuesdays, except today because Grandma said to go to after school care, I think

Um, Mrs. Teachew, my fwoat feews wike somefing is cwawing awound and awound in it. ~Kindergartener, asking to go to the nurse