Book Signing!
Coming up January 3
at Barnes & Noble
St. Peters, MO
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Hello Out There!
Welcome to my very first post, created on December 31, 2008. I would like to announce that I do, in fact, have plans this evening...I am crashing the private party of a couple of very nice neighbors of mine. But before I got the pity invitation, I thought these up. So here for your viewing pleasure are
1. Climb onto a step ladder at midnight and drop an Eight Ball. While you’re up there, ask it if it will be a good year. If it isn’t broken, read the little window for your answer.
2. See if you can fit 2009 pieces of gum into your mouth.
3. Make a dragon face out of a paper bag. Glue curling ribbon streamers to the back and put it over your head, then skip through your house shouting, “Happy Chinese New year!”
4. At midnight, put Brendan Fraser wallpaper on your computer and neck with your computer screen.
5. Open a can of olives and arrange them on oyster crackers. Call them hors d’oeuvres and eat them wearing a little black dress and white gloves while sipping ever so delicately on orange juice poured into a plastic champagne glass.
6. Make up your own words to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne,” because who the hell knows what that means, anyway.
7. Make a list of things you will resolve NOT to do over the new year, such as “I will NOT sing ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’ and mosh with my Christmas tree.”
8. Shake a can of Mountain Dew real hard and pop the tab at midnight.
9. Make a list of things for losers to do on New Year’s Eve.
10 Things for Losers to Do on New Year's Eve:
1. Climb onto a step ladder at midnight and drop an Eight Ball. While you’re up there, ask it if it will be a good year. If it isn’t broken, read the little window for your answer.
2. See if you can fit 2009 pieces of gum into your mouth.
3. Make a dragon face out of a paper bag. Glue curling ribbon streamers to the back and put it over your head, then skip through your house shouting, “Happy Chinese New year!”
4. At midnight, put Brendan Fraser wallpaper on your computer and neck with your computer screen.
5. Open a can of olives and arrange them on oyster crackers. Call them hors d’oeuvres and eat them wearing a little black dress and white gloves while sipping ever so delicately on orange juice poured into a plastic champagne glass.
6. Make up your own words to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne,” because who the hell knows what that means, anyway.
7. Make a list of things you will resolve NOT to do over the new year, such as “I will NOT sing ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’ and mosh with my Christmas tree.”
8. Shake a can of Mountain Dew real hard and pop the tab at midnight.
9. Make a list of things for losers to do on New Year’s Eve.
10. Bang pots and pans at midnight. Ewww, no, I didn’t mean it that way, Scumbag.
Please feel free to add any suggestions of your own!
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