1. Climb onto a step ladder at midnight and drop an Eight Ball. While you’re up there, ask it if it will be a good year. If it isn’t broken, read the little window for your answer.
2. See if you can fit 2009 pieces of gum into your mouth.
3. Make a dragon face out of a paper bag. Glue curling ribbon streamers to the back and put it over your head, then skip through your house shouting, “Happy Chinese New year!”
4. At midnight, put Brendan Fraser wallpaper on your computer and neck with your computer screen.
5. Open a can of olives and arrange them on oyster crackers. Call them hors d’oeuvres and eat them wearing a little black dress and white gloves while sipping ever so delicately on orange juice poured into a plastic champagne glass.
6. Make up your own words to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne,” because who the hell knows what that means, anyway.
7. Make a list of things you will resolve NOT to do over the new year, such as “I will NOT sing ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’ and mosh with my Christmas tree.”
8. Shake a can of Mountain Dew real hard and pop the tab at midnight.
9. Make a list of things for losers to do on New Year’s Eve.