Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Relearning the Art of Pretend

           When I was growing up, writing fiction was easy. It was almost all I wrote. I hadn’t yet learned that “you have such an imagination” can be (and often is) used as an insult. I hadn’t yet grown up in a science- and technology-driven world where creating something new only counts if it makes money. I couldn’t write creative nonfiction yet because I hadn’t really lived enough to have much to write about. And even if I’d been able to think of something, I hadn’t yet lived enough to possess the long-term perspective necessary to knit life experiences into a cohesive, meaningful whole.
So in the past few years I’ve mainly written creative nonfiction, and from what I hear my fellow writing friends say, I suspect I’m not alone.
Odd that I catch myself feeling like it’s somehow wrong—like lying—to make up a pretend character. When I thought about this, I finally realized it feels like something even worse than this. It feels like—horrors!—playing. Loafing. Goofing off. Because writing fiction is fun.
When I was a little kid, I wasn’t always thrilled with the playground. Any type of free play was welcome, but team sports often meant I couldn’t play what I wanted. Some sports felt like one more way to be bound by somebody else’s expectations, and in this case the expectations came from a whole team at once. Those rubber playground balls became an ironic metaphor for something I was told was good, but which proved to be both painfully hard and elusive.
But I will never forget the feeling I had when the teacher announced we were going to write a story or poem. Any of those messages was like throwing open the doors to the REAL playground. I was free in the truest sense—free to romp within the world of my own making where I felt at home.
It was admittedly a weird world. While some parts of my life were absolutely ideal, others left me feeling helplessly trapped. Within the realm of creativity, I was able to move where and how I wanted to go without anyone else defining me according to whatever it was they wanted of me at the time. It was like a pleasant dream. In the world of fiction, I could make everything the way I wanted it.
Odd, then, that when I sit down to write fiction these days, it feels awkward at first. I find I must give myself permission to “play.” The hardest work comes in freeing myself—not just from all of the pressures and obligations and restrictions of everyday life that always lie in wait when I’m trying to set aside time to write—but also from the pressures and obligations and restrictions I’ve placed on myself through the years. One of the things that binds my writing hands is the worry that the characters I create won’t be authentic because they aren’t real. What I find is that once I get going, my characters don’t feel inauthentic at all. They are more so, in fact, now that I’m old enough to understand depth and nuance. I’m old enough to have learned, over and over, how complex everyone is, and it’s that very complexity that gives characters their depth and breathes life into them.
As the bindings loosen, I’m encouraged in the endeavor not in spite of my age, but because of it: I’ve lived long enough to know that truth often can be stranger than fiction, so who says any departure from truth can’t be believable? And why not explore a little strangeness? The nice thing about creating a world is that in fiction, people are willing to suspend belief.
We even accept obvious gaps in logic if the story is good enough. So what if Harry Potter had to go through a year as a Triwizard Tournament contestant just so he could touch the bewitched winner’s cup rather than be transported much earlier in the semester by a more ordinary item? We didn’t mind suspending a little logic because we showed up for the thrill of the ride and not the restrictions of anal-retentive logic. In fact, most readers love the idea of being suspended in fun, because reading fiction itself is the act of playing. As writers, by freeing ourselves to have fun and take a wild ride, we free the audience we’ve invited to bring with us.
Once I throw open that rusty door after all these years and cast off the heavy accumulation of chores and worries and roles and expectations clogging my gears—the world out there (or maybe I should say “in” there) feels like that beloved playground all over again. All I have to do is buy myself the proverbial ticket to go there and have fun.


The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity.  The creative mind plays with the objects it loves. ~C. G. Jung



11 comments:

  1. A classmate broke the toenail of my right big toe jumping down from a window well on the playground. It is still cracked to this day. Kickball on the pea-gravel-covered asphalt would have been safer. Writing, safer still.

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    1. True - I don't think writing has ever left me physically injured. Emotionally? All the time. That pen really is mighty.

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  2. Whew. You explained this all so well, including the sports thing. I suppose that what I want to write is creative non-fiction ... I have all these letters and pictures and more from ancestors that I haven't met. I would love to write their stories based on what I have but also write them as historical fiction (if all that makes sense). I too am afraid that I would do it wrong, but heck, who is around who knows those people anyway? Jane Kirkpatrick does it all the time, so why can't I?

    Thanks so much for this post, Tammy. It is like another "go" sign.

    Hugs,
    Kathy M.

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    1. Oh, Kathy, I think you'd be so good at that. Please consider this another "go!"

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  3. You've touched on so many truths I don't even know where to begin. I'm right there with you on the team sports. For me, I didn't like team sports because I'm not athletic and always knew no matter how hard I tried I might let down my teammates simply because I wasn't fast enough or agile enough. And honestly? Even as a kid, given the option, I'd rather be reading or writing stories (or even working on a term paper) than playing kickball. Words I can play with and control. Sports, not at all.

    You talked about giving yourself permission to play. That part of writing has never been my problem. I'm happier and less stressed when I'm writing, especially fiction, so it is therapy for me and I don't feel guilty at all. My issue has been the hours I must devote to achieve my goals, because those are hours I'm alone in my office, often at night, instead of hanging out with my husband and daughter. If I were earning any appreciable money with it I could point to that, but at this point I'm spending more on conferences and workshops and books on the craft than I'm earning. So that's where my guilt comes in, but not about the writing and playing make believe . . . that keeps me sane and I'm grateful for the outlet. The best thing for me was signing the book contract, because now I'm contractually obligated to make stuff up! :)

    About the characters being real---yes, to everything you said. I still worry over that, probably always will. The characters I create live in my brain for a long time and I know them so well that I fear I don't put them on paper very well, that I leave out important things because to me those things are evident. I guess I'll find out after my books come out. If they flop, well . . . *sigh* Someone said, "Old people know more about being young than young people know about being old." I think that sums up what you were saying about our age---life experience---giving us a broader perspective even in terms of fiction.

    Okay, I've rambled enough. lol Thoughtful post, Tammy, and nice insight into what makes you tick as a writer. Isn't it lovely to know that if we think it we can write it? The worst that will happen is that we'll hit the delete key and begin again, and there's nothing wrong with embracing a fresh start.

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    1. Talk about truths! You nailed exactly why it's so hard for me to grant myself permission. It requires such an investment when there is the distinct possibility that the only payoff will be that joyful outlet you mentioned. But that's something, right? That's what makes a book contract so exciting. Besides all the coolness, it's like a free ticket to the amusement park. You don't get to play, you HAVE to! How wonderful is that?

      You have no idea how much I cherish that last line. How true.

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  4. Tammy--You have a gift when it comes to nonfiction AND fiction.

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    1. Spoken by a woman with many of her own gifts.

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  5. I love this post, Tammy, on so many levels and for so many different reasons. And as Lisa said above, it holds so many truths I hardly know where to begin. Regarding the team sports, I definitely know what you mean. I was always the last one picked for any team -- in fact, the teams actually fought over who had to take me! It was an experience that served to make this shy little girl even more shy, and I felt embarrassed by it for years. What you have done here, though, is make me understand for the first time why I hated playing team sports so much. I was terrible at it, and of course that's a reason, but I now realize that I was never outside my own mind long enough to concentrate on hitting that little ball, let alone making it around the bases. The whole idea of playing on a team just felt stifling. I would always rather be reading or "visiting" with the characters inside my head. All those years ago, this was considered a flaw, but as I look back now with the help of your post, I'm grateful that I had that safe place inside my head, with its unending supply of stories, to go to.

    You mentioned that in fiction you can make everything the way you wanted. There is something about writing in general and fiction in specific that allows us to have a modicum of control when everything else in life often feels uncontrollable. Like you, I find it hard to get into the story because there are just so many outside interruptions and responsibilities, but if I can tell myself, "forget what you're worrying about and just live inside the story," it helps.

    And regarding giving yourself permission to play, yes, this is a big one for me too. I feel a lot of guilt because I haven't made much money at writing all these years and therefore feel I haven't contributed monetarily to our family, but that is the Catch-22 of writing. To become good, and thus marketable, you have to write and write...and write. It has taken me years to find my true authentic writing self, as I suspect it does with most writers. If we are honest with ourselves, we see that yes, writing is a joyful endeavor, but it's also a complex endeavor, and you have to have an absolute passion for it or else it's hard to continue. Toni Morrison once said: "There were two things I HAD to do in my life: be a good mother, and write." When the going gets tough, I often reflect on her words.

    Anyway, thanks so much for the thoughtful read this morning. As I hope you know, I adore your writing, and your creative mind! And I love that Carl Jung quote too!

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    1. Oh, Theresa, once again you've made so many good points! I think for many of us, any kind of writing is a way of ordering the world and making it feel manageable and meaningful - both as writers and as readers. Your writing definitely does that for me, and it's quite a gift. That Toni Morrison quote is a keeper for sure! Thanks for visiting and sharing your wisdom.

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  6. Tammy, this reads like it should be in a writing magazine. Beautiful!

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