Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Take That in Your Traveling Tupperware and Stuff It

Hooray for this time of year, when in true holiday fashion I can take something reasonably healthy, like oat cereal, and corrupt it until it retains virtually none of its nutritive elements, and like a culinary alchemist, change it into tasty, cholesterol-and cheese-laden gold. Here are

10 Things I Feel Like After Too Much Holiday Food:

  1. A humongous, slightly mobile appetizer made of cream cheese, semi-sweet chocolate morsels, bacon bits, Cheeze Whiz, mayonnaise, and mini-marshmallows on top
  2. Gurgling cheese ball
  3. Chocolate-engorged food tick
  4. Over-moussed moose
  5. Raw, overstuffed poultry
  6. Ginormous, un-popped cheesecake zit
  7. Big glob of extremely well-marbled, past-its-prime rib
  8. Giant, bloated gravy truffle
  9. Piggy-food-bank
  10. Baked couch potato loaded with sour cream, bacon, chives, and Cheeze Whiz


Shouldn’t there be a list of acknowledgments for detractors, naysayers, underminers?  All the people who did not believe in you.  The people who got in your way or who tried to bring you down.  These people deserve to be acknowledged, too.  They should be on lists titled F*** You and Special F*** You and Very Special F*** You.  ~Cynthia Kaplan, Leave the Building Quicikly

20 comments:

  1. Tzmmy--My favorite word--three times--appeared in that quote. Love it.

    Yeah, there are several of those that would be quite accurate descriptions of me right now...

    Sad.

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    1. So your favorite word is "you," right? Oh wait, it appears four times. I'm f***ing stumped.

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  2. You described me to a very chubby "T"!

    Pat
    Critter Alley

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    1. You are anything but chubby, Pat. But since this is intended to be about how we feel rather than how we look, I'll allow it. ;)

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  3. Lol. I like your take on it. Have a happy new year.

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    1. Thanks so much for stopping by, Lady Lillith!

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  4. Mmm...baked couch potato. I hope that doesn't make me a cannibal.

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    1. Scary thought! But no. That's "you eat what you are," and this is "you are what you eat." Entirely different thing, I'm certain of it.

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  5. Ooops. Perhaps it was a Freudian slip on the keyboard that "Tammy" became "Tzmmy."

    Tammy writes shazammy stories.

    Tammy makes even ordinary subjects glammy.

    (I could go on, but a cold has weakened me.)

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    1. Freud might say that you were subconsciously expressing your belief that I fill people with Zs. On the other hand, Jung might say that your finger slipped and hit the key below the "a." Hope you feel better soon!

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  6. We sat with a skinny woman on New Year's Eve who bragged that she went forma size 14 to a size 4 in four months by eliminating carbs. She eats a hard boiled egg and string cheese for breakfast, a piece of ham midday, veggies at lunch, a piece of peanut butter stuffed celery mid afternoon and a healthy dinner, absolutely no bread, cereal. I wished her and her flat stomach well. Then New Year's Day, I hard boiled eggs, fried a pan of bacon and baked a batch of biscuits and buttered them with real, sweet cream butter. My party's not over until I go back to school...and more snow is predicted :) Then, I'm eating fart food.

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  7. "Fart food." Love it. I heard of another diet: you eliminate food. I heard it works really well and you lose a ton of weight!

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  8. Love this hilarious take on things, as usual, Tammy. I would add to your response to Sioux's comment that Jung might also say it was a meaningful coincidence that Sioux's finger slipped and hit the key below 'a' -- and that Tammy, or Tzmmy, was meant to see and interpret that!

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  9. I feel your pain, and so does my waistline.

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    1. Mine too, Donna. Thanks for stopping by!

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  10. I am speechless with your extremely creative descriptions! I am quite sure you look like none of these things, although yeah... feeling is it another thing, right? I have been in a cooking/baking mode all week - finally tried my hand at quiche (was pretty good!) and last night made chicken & shrimp gumbo - delicious! I think I'll go help myself to some leftovers right now...!

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  11. Impressive! Especially about the quiche! But was the cheese made in caves by French monks?

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  12. Yes, I feel the same way... especially after I just ate a chocolate bear. Not to mention all the other junk prior, however, I managed to eat some oatmeal. Gotta throw in something good now and then. I'm just now catching up on blogs... stay warm!

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  13. A chocolate bear? Sounds like chocolate bunnies have taken a ferocious turn to me! Eating oatmeal, though - especially when it's not hiding in cookies like the way I eat it - is positively virtuous. I'm pretty sure it makes up for everything, including extra calories....

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