Writing is like being able to put life into a snow globe. It takes the things that are too big and scary and reduces them into a form that I can put away when I want and look at from a distance. It also takes all that’s good in life and captures it into something I can take out when I want and look at close up and keep forever. It makes the bad things into something I can hold…and the good things into something I can hold onto. Both help so much that I need that little souvenir of life.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

It’s Elementary My Dear…Lord Get Me Out of Here



Let me just say for comparison that I have taught some of the toughest of the tough kids. I once had a student who was charged as an adult for rape, for example. I’ve had death threats and more than a few drug dealers. But today was the worst. Today I was asked to do something I’ve never before done in my life. I was asked not only to teach elementary school, but to teach…kindergarten.

The horror.

I did it because I’ve lately been on a kick where I’ve tried to experience more new things. Just as a growing experience. And I did grow. I grew a little crazy and a lot exhausted. I had actually thought it would be sort of fun. Fun!

I now have renewed respect for elementary teachers. I knew the job was hard, but these miniature human beings ate me alive. When they finally left the room and went to gym, I sat numbly and watched the clock move to the time they’d have to come back, secretly thinking about ways to barricade the door, and then I realized I had to go fetch them because they can’t even walk to class without waddling in line where the teacher has cute little games and hand gestures to show How We Use Our Hallway-Walking Manners. I would have considered running away, but I was way too tired. So instead, I thought of

Ten Things A Class of Kindergarteners Is Like

  1. Trying to herd 25 five puppies, fresh from their naps, in a straight line.
  2. Juggling fruit flies
  3. Ordering earthworms to get out from under the painting table and sit up in their chairs
  4. Sitting in a room full of tiny monkeys that have to use the restroom every 15 minutes, and all at different times, but especially as soon as you have walked the class full of monkeys back from the restroom
  5. Inviting fifty pigeons to take a bath in the drinking fountain
  6. Twenty-five meerkats jacked up on espresso, with one freakishly wild, tow-headed meerkat named Carlton who absolutely never does what he’s supposed to be doing
  7. Twenty-four meerkats jacked up on espresso who feel compelled to tattle on Carlton at all times
  8. Hundreds of squirrels with unzipped zippers and tiny furniture
  9. A herd of teeny weeny wildebeests in a china shop with red flags everywhere, and Carlton wildebeest is crying because he lost the Pokemon cards you told him five times to put away in his book bag
  10. Trying to put Mexican jumping beans (only with lots more continuously flailing limbs) and with tiny bladders and untied strings hanging off of them all over the place who smell like bodily functions, on the correct bus—which is usually Bus Slot Five on alternate Tuesdays, except today because Grandma said to go to after school care, I think


Um, Mrs. Teachew, my fwoat feews wike somefing is cwawing awound and awound in it. ~Kindergartener, asking to go to the nurse

16 comments:

  1. My sister just retired from teaching kindergarten. I don't know how she survived. One year she had a student with special physical needs. That being a diaper that needed changing a couple of times a day. All while minding the other Mexican jumping bean wildebeest meerkat monkeys. She told her principal she would NOT be changing that child's diaper, as that was a job for the school nurse or a paraprofessional.

    The principal changed the diaper herself for a week until other arrangements were made. Thank goodness Sis stood up for herself. Who knows WHAT she might have ended up doing if she caved on the diaper.

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    1. Sis was smart. I learned that being in kindergarten is itself a special need. Even with no formally recognized special needs, I kept looking around for paraprofessionals. It just didn't seem like a job that one adult could humanly do.

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  2. LMAO ... oh my gosh; this is too funny and right on. All I can say is that I only have (5) 2's/3's and they are mostly still in diapers (easier in a way).

    We did have assertiveness training on bullying today after I discovered one giving another a choke-hold ... and to tell the truth, I love 5-year-olds, but Tammy, I think it takes at least 4-6 weeks to build up your endurance.

    Hugs to you for trying new things. Love ya!

    Kathy M.

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    1. Oh, Kathy. 2s and 3s?? I don't think experience would build endurance for me. I think it would build a phobia of small people. Hugs and love to YOU for all you do!!

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  3. Now you have some insight on what my days are like. I have three different classes, a.m. & p.m 4& 5 yr olds and a large group of 3s&4s on Tu-Th so what works with one group doesn't always work with the others. Warning, do not touch a sleeve, they usually are snot catchers and germ breeding areas. Oh, nevermind, you aren't teaching kindergarteners ever again, are you?

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    1. No, Linda, once was enough. Bless you. Just...bless you.

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  4. These are exactly the reasons why I don't teach kindergarten...And why I am so thankful that I'm certified to teach it, because if it I was forced to teach kindergarten, it would make me certifiably crazy.

    Linda is partially correct. But she didn't go far enough. Their whole body and all of their clothes are snot and pee and poop catchers. Don't touch any part of them...

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    1. No kidding. For the first time in my life, I witnessed a woman who hadn't been drinking go into a boys' room because they were playing with toilets. Playing. With toilets. And when a little girl dropped her cookie on the floor and I told her to throw it away, she thought I didn't see her eat it. But third grade still sounds pretty close to kindergarten. You still have my undying respect.

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  5. After reading your post, I have renewed respect for all teachers, especially kindergarten teachers.

    I wonder what Carlton's mom was thinking when she named him. Was she craving a cigarette, perhaps? And does Carlton have a sister names Viceroy?

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    1. Donna, you are so astute. That may have been ME craving a cigarette. I changed the names to protect the innocent. ;)

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  6. Oh my gosh, I'd be bizerk for sure... probably need to bring more chocolate for Linda...

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    1. I think I'd be a drinker if I taught that age. Or at the very least, I'd sit and eat chocolate everyday for lunch.

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  7. You brave woman, you. There's nothing to test one's mettle like being in charge of a whole room full of little people. I'm glad to hear you survived the experience!

    Pat
    Critter Alley

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  8. Thanks, Pat! Unfortunately my mettle was blown apart by those little boogers!

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  9. Hahaha! The common thread seems to be that these little rays of sunshine belong in a zoo or a flea circus. LOL Thanks for the out-loud laugh. You're a stronger woman than I.

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  10. Hi again, Tammy. Thanks so much for your visit, I hope that you get your own computer soon. I know that you are busy catching up with everybody, but I think that you would really enjoy the post that I made this morning about my school. http://oregongiftsofcomfortandjoy.blogspot.com/2013/04/another-busy-week-but-things-have.html

    Hope that you have a wonderful week!

    Hugs,

    Kathy M.

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